Pointless vanity project of the former Tabascokid

1. It’s good practise to get on with all the photographers you come across as it’s guaranteed that you’ll end up stuck on a doorstep for three days with the one you told to piss off.
2. Stand next to the loudest shouter at film premieres. (See also “Ian West“
3. Even if the object that we’ve been sent to shoot is stationary and there’s an hour available for pictures, photographers will instinctively scramble into the room and monster it.
4. If Nikon or Canon brought out a single pocket-sized camera that did everything, we’d still be inclined to carry the whole of Jacobs on our backs most of the time.
5. Playing the age old game of “Where a photographer can and can’t take pictures” with the private security that work in office blocks and company headquarters is the modern equivalent of bear-baiting.  As a vague hint, if you’re on the public pavement and you’re on the outside edge of any studded boundary markers on the ground, snap away.  This may not apply if you’re doing a project on “The security systems of the MI5 building”.
6. Cameras may have been around since 1814 but every year, manufacturers manage to create exciting new ways to make photographers spend their wages.
7. Don’t expect to get eye-contact from the baked bean.
8. There’s only so much you can do with an old painting, a pair of white gloves and an auction house assistant.  See also “For Sale” signs, gas hobs and credit cards.
9. Fashions and trends are just as common in the world of photography as anywhere else.  Lens babies, tilt & shifts and all-prime lens kits anyone?
10. Some photographers are just always in the right place.  These people are known as gits.
11. Freebies make the dullest job a little better.  The only exception being the 128mb USB stick.  I mean, come on..
12. Remember to take advantage of the incredible access that the job gives you.  If you’re somewhere cool, get a picture for yourself.  If you’re shooting someone you like, get a picture with them.  You’ll only regret it if you don’t.
13. The general public has no idea. If you’re stood with a 5d over your shoulder with a 50mm lens on, you will be asked which television channel you’re filming for.
14. The most anticipated jobs are often the biggest let-down for quality images and vice-versa.
15. Never think that you’re a better photographer than anyone else as someone with a sureshot will come along and spank you (photographically speaking).
16. If all else fails, just whack it on f1.4 and make art.
17. Photographers that smoke can make any overdue event happen by simply putting their camera down and lighting a cigarette.
18. Arsenal’s Emirates Stadium is the best stadium.  This has nothing to do with any team preference and everything to do with the free wifi, three course meal before the match, personal editing areas with power points and free mini portions of fish and chips after the game.  If only I didn’t have to shoot football to get in.
19. Legendary stories can be found in the bar during Party conference season, listening to incredible stories of Fleet Street photographer history from one of the old guard.
20. The moment you stop shooting to entertain and satisfy yourself, you might as well go and work in an office.

1. Not much can compare to feeling the first hot rays from the sun as you leave Downing Street on a Summer’s day after an 8 hour stakeout.
2. No matter how sure you are of the job, the longer you wait for it to happen, the more likely you are to feel the need to frantically change your lens at the last moment.
3. The occurrences of Photoshop locking up and causing a system reboot is directly related to how urgently the pictures are needed by your picture desk. See also Laptop battery-life.
4. The habit of saving all of your newspaper cuttings grows less important as you realise that your house is beginning to resemble something from “Life of Grime“.
5. Working London photographers are walking encyclopedias of where the nearest free toilets, wifi or shelter can be found at any time.
6. First three songs, no flash.
7. Every camera is designed to randomly refocus at the moment that the subject looks directly at you for the first time during the critical press conference.
8. Jacobs, not Jessops.
9. If you’re covering a story in a dodgy area of town, the first thing that the ever-so-friendly youth who comes over to chat will ask you is “how much is your gear worth?”  The answer is always “..about £300.  It’s all years old and knackered.  Your phones probably got a better camera”, even if you’re actually holding both of your D3 bodies with a 400mm f2.8 lens on each.
10. The sillhouette is the last bastion of the charlatan. (Edward Mulholland 2004)
11. Anyone accepting a job on any picture desk automatically has their sense of time/distance awareness removed.
12. The photographer’s life is one constant rollercoaster of going from having the photographic Midas touch to feeling like an Amateur Photographer also-ran.  This is rarely a reflection on your actual abilities.  Dem’s da breaks.
13. There’s a very good reason that PR pays so well.
14. 250th/sec, f8, 1/4 power, manually focused to a metre and 45 degrees to the glass.
15. If you decide to pad out your filed images from a job with a few of lesser quality, they’re the ones that’ll be all over the papers the next day with your name in a larger than normal font.
16. Opposite number 10, Downing Street and the road outside the Old Bailey are the coldest places on Earth.
17. However long you’ve been doing it, there’s nothing like seeing a stranger really studying one of your published pictures in the paper.
18. “Only fools rush in” could have been written about digital camera purchasers.  When firmware version 1.2 comes out, they might have managed to get rid of the “freak-out during operation” glitch.
19. No matter how distinctive the person you’re all waiting for is, the collective of photographers will get more and more random with their choices of “possibles” to hose down as time goes on.
20. There’s no point in being a photographer if your camera isn’t ready.

With tonight’s news that Works and Pensions Secretary James Purnell has quit his position in the Cabinet and released an open letter to various newspapers calling on British Prime Minister Gordon Brown to quit, it reminds me how fascinating this job can be.

The news from Westminster over the last few weeks has been slowly gaining momentum with the area around the Houses of Parliament full of sat-trucks, scurrying photographers and gossiping journalists.  It’s times like these when I really do savour being able to witness the true “breaking news” aspect of journalism in London.  Text alerts from news services throughout the day keep a close track on events with photographers and journalists sharing further rumours of reshuffles, rebellions and resignations.

In Downing Street, the feeling of change and uncertainty is being thoroughly nurtured by the political media (damn them!)  While covering the Cabinet meeting arrivals on Tuesday, a BBC producer known commonly as “Gobby” called out to Ministers asking if they were enjoying their last day and greeting Children & Schools Minister Ed Balls with “Good Morning, Chancellor!” (a position that he’s apparently always wanted).

Having counted all the key figures in, the photographers all rushed to their laptops to edit and wire the images, checking wiki pages and Government sites for official job titles and names of lesser known faces.  When editing a reasonable quantity of arrivals, it’s important to prioritise the pictures that are edited to make sure that the faces of the moment get out first.  With this in mind, any gossip, facts and rumours are put to the test to make sure that the story of the day isn’t the one person you didn’t bother filing!

With Jacqui Smith announcing that she will step down from the position of Home Secretary at the imminent reshuffle, Hazel Blears resigning her position of Communities Secretary and now James Purnell resigning and openly attacking the Prime Minister, opposition parties can clearly smell blood.  With Brown looking to be out of control of events, the Cabinet reshuffle was set to be his opportunity to assert authority on his struggling party.  With resignations now coming with frightening regularity and other Ministers openly saying that they don’t want to leave their current positions, his wings appear clipped and it really is looking like a change will come soon.

Purnell’s resignation will at least get all of the whispers into the open with those with their eyes on the leaders position having to decide whether to take a stand.  Following his failed attempt at a leadership bid last year, it will be very interesting to see whether Foreign Secretary David Milliband (a friend of James Purnell) sees this as his second chance.  I’ve photographed Health Secretary Alan Johnson a few times now and have always found him to be a decent chap so I’ll be very interested  to see what moves he makes over the coming days.

I’m not a particularly major New Labour fan but I was looking forward to having a Prime Minister that would ignore the image and spin-led politics of the previous period under Tony Blair but it looks like Brown’s chance to shine will be cut short.

Having talked to someone who has worked with David Cameron a reasonable amount, its depressing to hear that he described him as being very similar to Tony Blair in style, mannerisms and attitude.  If the country does take the predicted course of voting Conservative at the next election, it looks like we could be heading back into the wonderful world of soundbite politics once more.  Joy.