An ever-growing archive of bumbling nonsense from an English press photographer
The alternative London “Knowledge” v1.0
- Not much can compare to feeling the first hot rays from the sun as you leave Downing Street on a Summer’s day after an 8 hour stakeout.
- No matter how sure you are of the job, the longer you wait for it to happen, the more likely you are to feel the need to frantically change your lens at the last moment.
- The occurrences of Photoshop locking up and causing a system reboot is directly related to how urgently the pictures are needed by your picture desk. See also Laptop battery-life.
- The habit of saving all of your newspaper cuttings grows less important as you realise that your house is beginning to resemble something from “Life of Grime“.
- Working London photographers are walking encyclopedias of where the nearest free toilets, wifi or shelter can be found at any time.
- First three songs, no flash.
- Every camera is designed to randomly refocus at the moment that the subject looks directly at you for the first time during the critical press conference.
- Jacobs, not Jessops.
- If you’re covering a story in a dodgy area of town, the first thing that the ever-so-friendly youth who comes over to chat will ask you is “how much is your gear worth?” The answer is always “..about £300. It’s all years old and knackered. Your phones probably got a better camera”, even if you’re actually holding both of your D3 bodies with a 400mm f2.8 lens on each.
- The sillhouette is the last bastion of the charlatan. (Edward Mulholland 2004)
- Anyone accepting a job on any picture desk automatically has their sense of time/distance awareness removed.
- The photographer’s life is one constant rollercoaster of going from having the photographic Midas touch to feeling like an Amateur Photographer also-ran. This is rarely a reflection on your actual abilities. Dem’s da breaks.
- There’s a very good reason that PR pays so well.
- 250th/sec, f8, 1/4 power, manually focused to a metre and 45 degrees to the glass.
- If you decide to pad out your filed images from a job with a few of lesser quality, they’re the ones that’ll be all over the papers the next day with your name in a larger than normal font.
- Opposite number 10, Downing Street and the road outside the Old Bailey are the coldest places on Earth.
- However long you’ve been doing it, there’s nothing like seeing a stranger really studying one of your published pictures in the paper.
- “Only fools rush in” could have been written about digital camera purchasers. When firmware version 1.2 comes out, they might have managed to get rid of the “freak-out during operation” glitch.
- No matter how distinctive the person you’re all waiting for is, the collective of photographers will get more and more random with their choices of “possibles” to hose down as time goes on.
- There’s no point in being a photographer if your camera isn’t ready.
Nice
I can certainly sympathise with a few of those!
14 is related to papping through car windows, I assume?
Hehe, excellent. #12 is comforting.
I sense some frustration here, but deep down I know you love the job.
lol @ #s 7, 9, 14!
mate, me and reuters luke are sitting here loving this, im in stitches,, really funny man ..
love 7, that feeling of the slow hunting sound which sends you yet deeper into the downward bit of the rollercoaster ride.
12..so true
and 3.. why? why does it always happen? it knows i swear it knows
Hugh: Guess you’ll have to try it to find out..
Mark: Yup, it’s just one of those things.
Akin: No frustration at all actually. I just decided to write three things that photographers could relate to and have 47 so far!
Prawn: Excellent! Mission accomplished. I was wondering whether anyone would find it funny apart from me and probably you but it seems to have worked!
Section #2 is written and will be released very soon. Watch this space..
Brilliant!
It rings so true
Re:11 – I know you’re at Tussauds but there’s a pool at the Treasury in three minutes so can you get over there? Then can you swing past Enfield on your way home? Ta.
Great post! Loved it.
Gary: Glad it makes sense!
Matt: Oh don’t start me off. Thankfully I VERY rarely get this from AFP but in previous years, I often had “On your way back home (North London), can you just swing by Brixton?” Lordy..
Liz: Cheers!
12 – As Arthur Edwards said “One day you’re King George, the next you’re just George King…”
Top stuff mate!
)
Dom: Indeed! After your IHT cover today, it doesn’t bode well for tomorrow..
Nice work, squire!
I enjoyed that as much as the gentlemen at the end seems to be enjoying his sandwich.
Brilliant!
Great list buddy. I could add to this so look forward to update v1.1
Matt: Cheers bud!
Will: V2.0 will be going up very soon as I just finished V3.0 this morning! As I said above, I only set out to write 3 points and now have 60! Watch this space..
No. 6, definitely.
Good list!
Ahahahah! so funny and so true… I’ve been missing London a lot in the last month, and this list helps me a bit to feel good here
Ciao!
Hi Alessia! Thanks for dropping by! Great to hear from you. The London photo corp lost a touch of Italian sparkle when you left.. *sob* Hope all’s well!
I love these, Leon. So funny, and even a non photojournalist like me can relate to most of them. 15 and 16 really made me laugh, and that set of sandwich photos is such an absolute feelgood classic!
)
Leon, it would be wise to have this printed on the back of every press card I feel.
hehe Genius idea! Could put a few people off picking a camera up in the first place..
7 also applies to gigs, happened to me during the last one I’ve been to…
hehe Yeah, it’s good to know that the rules cross photographic fields!
Also, on number 16, the High Court is the hottest place on earth! You will get burnt!
On number 10, a zoom burst is not acceptable under any circumstance.