Pointless vanity project of the former Tabascokid

After a busy year of bickering, squabbling and grumbling, nothing clears the air in Westminster better than the annual snowball fight..

Trust Blair to go and start another war…

Merry Christmas and happy 2010, everyone!

Just a super quick post to wish anyone who follows this stream of waffle a very happy Christmas and best wishes for 2010.  Next year’s going to be a belter, especially for you.  May your f. stops never stop, your public exposure not get you arrested and your shutter never fail..  Enjoy! 

The last time I was in Blackpool, I spent the day dashing between the “Haunted Swing” and the “Steeplechase” at Blackpool Pleasure Beach and building up the guts to go on the creaky looking “Grand National”.  Nineteen years later, I’m onstage at the Opera House in front of a few thousand people taking pictures of the Queen meeting Lady Gaga.  Slightly different.

As it was AFP’s turn to get the next job in the rotational pool system used to allow all of the main agencies equal chance to cover large events, I was “volunteered” to don the staff penguin suit for the Royal Variety Performance and head up North for a long evening of waiting around, followed by 15 minutes of stupidly high adrenaline as I battle to get the pictures then race to file ahead of newspaper deadlines.

Having expected to spend the night drumming my fingers in some tiny media room, it was a nice surprise to find that I was in the green room area with all of the acts.  The mood was fantastic with some of the performers saying that it was far better than in the opera house itself.  Dancers, crew and technicians sat with some of the main stars and watched the show on a large screen, laughing and applauding every act both on-screen and as they returned to the area after their performance.

Having moved into position to be collected for the frantic finale to the evening where I’d actually take my first official shots of the evening, I found myself chatting to some of the headliners with Bob Golding (the star of the one-man show “Morecambe“) and Michael Buble both proving to be top people.

My mum always asks me who the nice people are after I told her once how down-to-earth and friendly Paul O’Grady is and I can safely now add these chaps to the list of damned nice blokes.

An hour after the scheduled time, it was time for the artists to be presented to the Baked Bean and I was rushed out onto the stage behind the closed curtain.  Having been told that it was a solo pool and I was the only photographer, it was a little annoying to find an in-house photographer, a local press photographer and two ITV cameramen as well as Peter Wilkinson, the Buckingham Palace cameraman (another top chap), all struggling to get into the area that would really only fit two people comfortably.

With this wonderfully dignified bun-fight going on, the curtain was raised to reveal a few thousand suited people as the Queen wandered out to meet her entertainers.  It really is quite an experience to be crushed from both sides by people who are putting every ounce of strength they can find into pushing you aside while you very slowly walk backwards along a line of celebrity-types with the Queen a few feet in front of you, while simultaneously trying to concentrate on composition, exposure and flash settings.

Peter was whispering in one ear for me to look out for making sure we didn’t walk off the stage into the orchestra pit while an ITV in-house cameraman was whispering abusive threats for me to get out of the way into my other ear, all in front of a dinner-jacketed audience of thousands and the monarch.  Insanity.

After the frantic scrabbling for the picture, the frantic scramble to get the shots edited and filed began with newspapers already well over their usual deadlines and the main agencies all waiting for the pictures for international clients.  As should be expected on a night like this, the 3g signal that had been oh so good earlier on was now flaky and intermittent so I soon found myself pulling the minute remaining hairs from my head with frustration.  If there’s one thing that winds me up, it’s when an inanimate object that has been designed and sold to do one task fails to do it.  Anything that I’ve ever broken has been shortly after it decided to get temperamental at an important moment.  *looks at technology all around me with threatening stare*

Anyway, enough rambling.  By midnight, the job was over and I could head back to my hotel, somewhat frazzled.  It turns out that I ended up on a rollercoaster this time after all.

The Royal Variety Performance 2009 will be broadcast in the UK on ITV on Wednesday, 16 December between 7.30pm and 10pm.