An ever-growing archive of bumbling nonsense from an English press photographer
The alternative London “Knowledge” v4.0
- There is no real need to take a camera, especially your Leica, to Focus.
- When cleaning your lens with a cloth, it will invariably be the final wipe when the cloth slips and you smear a dorito-grease covered finger across the front element.
- The World Press Awards must be something to do with the Corby Trouser Press as the pictures that win every year rarely have anything to do with the images that we see in the daily newspapers.
- Both of the major camera manufacturers’ products are pretty much the same in terms of quality, features and price so no, I can’t tell you “which one is best.”
- When photographers are gathered together, conversation soon turns to their loved ones and, in particular, whether or not the new firmware has improved performance.
- The fastest way to make money from your cameras is to sell them. (unknown origin)
- The photojournalism festival in Perpignan does a great line in depressing monochrome care home pictures, angry people with machetes and dead soldiers in desolate locations, but really falls short when it comes to shots of kittens dressed as cowboys.
- For those of you wanting to get into the industry, consider the fact that careercast.com listed photojournalist as being below “sheet metal worker” in a list of 200 careers in 2009 in relation to salary, working conditions, serious risk of injury or death, and poor employment prospects in the future. Nice.
- Nothing ruins the line of a good suit more than a belt-pack and camera bag.
- When working on the same job as paps, there is no point in thinking that common sense, reason or the need to actually get a good photograph is on the agenda. They will inevitably rush in as close as possible with their pre-f8-welded wide angles, ruining everyone else’s shot.
- Taking hot weather pictures was probably a lot easier in the days before pointing a camera at anyone under eighteen automatically made you a child-hungry paedophile.
- If you drop a lens while in the company of other photographers and the inevitable “Ooooh” is heard from all around, you will invariably scoop it up quickly and put it straight into your bag as if it escaped perfectly unharmed, even if you’re left standing in a small pile of finely powdered optical glass.
- Photographers who choose to become known only by one name deserve all the flak that they get. (See Zoriah and his $4000 Haiti-based earthquake masterclasses.)
- News photographers keep the British stepladder industry alive through a combination of forgetfulness and desperation.
- For some reason, Canon and Nikon both give away huge bulky camera bags at events rather than something really useful like laptop shades or monopods. I know you shouldn’t look a gift-horse in the mouth but surely there won’t be that many photographers who travel to the venue with all of their gear in carrier bags on the off-chance that their gamble might pay off.
- Having said that, ebay will always manage to find someone who wants to pay rather a lot of money for team sheets, programmes, press passes and, yes, camera bags.
- Heart surgeons are nothing compared to the photographer who decides to clean the sensor in his/her brand new £4,500 camera for the first time.
- Jolyan Turrall‘s law of “Subject Gravity” means that all photographers will end up 6 inches from the subject matter, even if the shoot started with everyone 20 feet away.
- As soon as your local Council starts accepting a “photo credit” as a valid form of payment for your council tax, you can start giving away your pictures to all those people who enquire about using them without payment.
- When using a busy urinal during the working day, turn off your cameras before squeezing in between the other users. This particularly applies if your camera has a fast motordrive and a delicate trigger action.
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The three previous instalments of the knowledge can be found at;
http://www.leonneal.com/blog/2009/06/11/the-alternative-london-knowledge-v10/
http://www.leonneal.com/blog/2009/06/15/the-alternative-london-knowledge-v20/
http://www.leonneal.com/blog/2009/07/10/the-alternative-london-knowledge-v30/
Concerning number 8: can’t help notice that careercast also claim philosophers have excellent employment prospects. I think they might just be full of shit.
I love these ‘Alternative London ‘Knowledge’ blogs’ my liege. if ’19′ became a reality, well, credits would really be worth its gold in weight!
Number 6 and 19 are genius!
fantastic squire.
I’ll have a number 6 please, with side orders of 15, 9 & 3.
Ahh the look on my boat says it all really
Leon, what is with No. 3?
Going to the exhibition this week (and have seen it every year for years), you are spot on. The winning photos are ones I have never seen before, and more worryingly sometimes of stories I haven’t even heard of. Nic
I read an article a few weeks ago, discussing the worrying trend of photographers now shooting for competitions rather than publications with the stories only ever coming to light in the regular media if the story actually wins a prize. Seems like an odd way to get your pictures out to me. Obviously, there are exceptions as Gareth Copley kindly pointed out to me this morning, via his accolades page..
I found this years PPY totally depressing as far as UK content goes.
in 2005 when is started, it was brilliant! loads of proper UK press pictures< i can only assume that 2004/5 was a poor year for international monchrome suffering, either that or the rules were different?
The latest PPY is as much as 70% foreign maybe more ?
Surley there must be some mistake? i mean…all the pictures are brilliant without any question, but if a non UK resident snapper can enter a non UK story, then surley this comp is open to every press snapper in the world?making it another world press? or as someone pointed out to me "world press lite" lol.
So this in my opinion leaves a huge gap for a British Press Photographers Year comp does it not?
Full of genuine UK snaps, with a nice international section for all those who go and do wars etc.
I might just start one myself..not a war! but a British Press comp.
I know what you mean, bud. I think that maybe the PPY should certainly go for an international category just to make sure that it’s not just a case of great pictures from international stories that win every year. I know the judges will see beyond it but to most photographers who don’t get out of the UK, it’ll be frustrating.
As for starting your own personal war, you’ll always be John Rambo to me, kidder.
Is that guy in the cup cake shot trying to bounce his flash off the forehead of the person opposite or just blind him?
The ALK should be handed out to all those aspiring to join profession… then collected in again from all joining the queue for Sheet Metal Work jobs!
Number 6 is brilliant! Also love the first photo of rain-sodden but still smiling photographer
Ah, the ever-smiling Shaun Curry. There’s clearly something addictive about the job to still have a smile on your face when you’re having to protect your cameras from exploding!
point 20 nearly happened to me at Waterloo- luck was on my side as the guy was too drunk to notice- Grant
@Corp Excellent! I’ve had a few people raise their eyebrows at me over that one, claiming they don’t know what I’m talking about! It’s the silent seconds after the burst’s gone off that just kills you..
Spot on as usual, Mr Neal x